Ask Jun Hong, he knows it all...

House of Mess

2006-04-15T17:45:00.000+08:00

Been really busy lately, and one of the reason is the renovation of my apartment. A residence's presence is required at during the work from the 6th April to the 19th April. Oh and I got the honourable job since my parents work and my brother is still schooling.

So everyday, I had to wake up at 7 a.m, brush my teeth, use the lousy temporary toilet before the foreign workers start moving in at around 8 a.m. And then I would stone til around 5p.m. when the workers move out. So much for a life.

One thing hit my mind during the renovation works, I felt as i I'm really similar to a common household electrical appliance- the vacuumm cleaner.

Why? It sucks in dust, I eat them. See the resemblance?

Anyway, here's a look at my shabby little home.

This is how the condition of my home has been like for a couple of days.

It looks as if there is a bio-hazadrous chemical warfare in my house.

Anyone watched E.T, the movie? There's this scene in the movie where the boy's house got sealed up by the government forces. His house kinda resembled mine.

Dust, go dust! Scatter and fly all over like some sua kus and hug yourselves to our furnitures as if you've never seen one before.

I'm going mad.

Oh well 4 more days to go.

Sao Mu

2006-04-03T15:33:00.000+08:00

Every once a year, during the Qing Ming Festival, I would go to the cemetry with my relatives to sao mu (bluntly translated, 'sweep tomb'). Tomb sweeping? I think 'tomb cleaning' sounds nicer.

I'm not a very traditional or religious person (I do not have a religion), I just do it for old time's sake.

I introduce you, my Ah Gong (Grandfather).

Ah Gong was a man of mystery back then when he was alive and not kicking. Why is he so?

Because my only recollection of him was him sitting on a couch, not moving, not making any noise. And naturally, he produced an aura of mystery. Well, at least that was how it was like to me.

Ah Gong's tomb is guarded by two stone lions. One on each side.

Cool, right?

Engraved on his tomb stone are names of his children and grandchildren.

Can you spot my name?

There! Circled for you, in RED.

We first had to clean his tomb and then decorate it with offerings and other stuff.

Nicely done, don't you think so?

Pretty colourful.

It is also in the custom that we should offer our already-kicked-the-bucket family members some, erm... offerings, yeah.

I, member of the Toh family should show you how we do it.

First, toss all the incense paper and the paper yuan baos (taels) on the ground. This serves as the base.

This is the first level.

Next, scatter hell notes over the first level. This will add on to the pile.

There you have it! The second level is complete.

Now, you should stack some paper items at the peak of this pile. Preferably, items that the passed-away like when he/she was alive.

For our Ah Gong, we gave a paper motorcycle and a pair of paper shoes. With so much hell notes we gave him, he can buy whatever he wants down there.

Done! Ah Gong is a fortunate dead man.

Lastly, start the fire.

And...

Let it burn...

Burn, burn, burn to hell! Oops, I mean to the 'spiritual world'.

Soon, the sky turned gloomy. Dark clouds were spotted. Comments like "O' heaven is crying for us!" reached my ears.

I was like, "Yeah, right. It probably has something to do with the air pollution caused by all that burning."

I'm an April's Fool.

2006-04-01T23:46:00.000+08:00

Today is April's Fools Day.

It is a sad day.

Particularly for me.

I so cannot believe I fell for 2 April's Fools pranks!

I am angry.

So very angry.

My kaypoh-ness care and concern was betrayed.

I am traumatised.

I was fooled by amatuer pranksters.

I can't believe it.

Anyway, thanks for polling for your Yellow Yellow Stupid Fellow. But sad to say, nobody will be bestowed the title. Why? Because ~~I'm lazy and two of them are tied at the current moment I'm typing this~~ this is an April's Fools Day joke!

Hahaha! Not funny meh?

*laugh to myself*

Besides, it is mean to call people stupid.

I apologise to those people who voted, sorry for wasting your time (even though it only takes a few seconds).

Meanwhile, I'm leaving the poll there, so if you're ultra bo liao, go click on it and amuse yourself.

I'm still shocked from being pranked.

Watch out for me for I will be back next year!

Yellow Yellow Stupid Fellow!

2006-03-31T14:34:00.000+08:00

Just so you know, my enitre building of flats is undergoing some major renovations. And today, as I was waiting for the elevator, something striking caught my eye, something YELLOW...

This sign was hanging on the pillar beside my lifts. What the hell? The construction guys must have a good sense of humor.

So I was thinking, 'Stupid? Yellow?'

The first thing that came to my mind was Spongebob Squarepants!

Let us welcome our contestant number 1!

This is Spongebob, main character of the popular animated series, Spongebob Squarepants! His stupidity has captured hearts of many fans all over the world.

Spongebob has this sickening laughter that tends to amuse the young and old, alike.

From plushies to underwears in pasar malams, Spongebob merchandises are selling like hotcakes!

This is one spongy force you don't want to reckon with!

Let us now take a look at contestant number 2!

This is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S in Pyjamas. This infamous duo started taking over the television screens by storm way back in 1992.

Like Spongebob Squarepants, the Bananas in Pyjamas have all sorts of merchandises featuring them. They may be abit outdated but people still worship them.

Invasion of Bananas in PJs!

WE LOVE BANANAS!

Whoa! That is one huge fanbase! Don't mess with them, people. They might just hop onto you, one after another, and keep piling up on you until you SPLIT!

Wow! All this stupid yellow-ness is certainly freaking me out!

But before we go, allow me to introduce you our final contestant! Contestant number 3!

People who knows her knows she is stupid and is obsessed with yellow. Nuff' said.

YUI: qing ta jia zhi chi wo! tou wo yi piao. vote for YUI!

Very poor romanization of the chinese characters (han yu pin yin), I must say.

It is time to decide. Who will be your YELLOW YELLOW STUPID FELLOW? The results lie 100% in your hands. It is time to poll! Closing date for poll will be on the 1st of April (TOMORROW! *GASP*). Hurry, vote now!

Note: Each poll is free-of-charge.

Go figure

2006-03-29T02:17:00.000+08:00

What kind of brother is as good as not having?

A useless one.

Kung Fu fighting- up for it?

2006-03-26T01:23:00.000+08:00

All thanks to a recent post on kennysia.com, everyone is in this myheritage.com craze. I am no exception.

At My Heritage, it is possible to find out which celebrity you look like based on the photo you upload. Sounds cool, yeah?

So I started looking for pictures of myself in the files and I found my first photo which I then uploaded to My Heritage.

The process of waiting for it to load was simply exhilarating. I was still panting when the results were shown.

'Wah! Stephen Chow leh... not bad seh...' I thought.

This is so great! Never in my life have I thought I would look like a celebrity. The system may be lying, but I liked it nonetheless.

Let me try a second picture. And similarly during the wait for it to load, excitement overwhelmed me.

'Wah again sia! Good, good.' I was loving it more and more.

To reaffirm myself that this is not a coincidence, I decided to try a third picture. My, this is so addictive!

I got this female typical guys would call 'chio bu'. I was devastated. What happened to Stephen Chow?!

Challenging the odds with my never-say-die attitude, this is my forth result:

Tah-dah!

I submitted 9 photos altogether and guess what? 6 out of 9 results stated that I resemble Stephen Chow! Woohoo!

I could show the remaining 5 to you as proof, but i think it is better not to disturb everyone's peace with my rather disturbing face.

I'm still ecstatic about my results. Wah! Stephen Chow! Me? Ok, Kung-Fu Hustle 2, anyone? I know wushu ok?

After the 9 photos, I still couldn't help fooling around. So...

What? At least I don't resemble Princess Sayako like this fella here.

Oh my, they look like sisters separated at birth.

They should seriously consider me when they are gathering the cast for Kung Fu Hustle 2. I mean, I'm a Stephen Chow look-alike afterall, right?

Coming to a cinema near you:

Late into the night...

2006-03-22T10:10:00.000+08:00

I've always believed that there are 12 main reasons why being a female sucks.

Number 1, they have this monthly discharging of erm... stuff (not shit, if you discharge shit monthly, you must be seriously constipated.) It's called menses. Yeah, as if nobody knows what I'm typing about.

And the next 10 reasons are all associated with menses (temper as thin as a piece of tissue paper, the red stained fabric, etc.) I'm quite sure girls themselves can give a hundred reasons for that.

The last reason is, THEY DO CHORES!!!

I'm not saying that all girls do chores, but it is always thought that girls will EVENTUALLY do housework. Forget about those buisness minded girls or those rich girly girls.

I'm currently facing the 12th reason crisis. I'm doing housework. To be more precise I do the laundry.

My brother and I will be home alone for 2 weeks, no parents! Yay! And lucky me, I get to do the laundry because my brother doesn't know how to do them. *shrugs*

Washing the clothes is a tedious process. Can you believe I need more than 2 hours to complete them? I won't even go into the details. It's hectic, spell it.

I may sound like a loser or even spoilt, but the fact is, I'm a spoilt loser. I sometimes do the laundry all the way to the a.m.s. *whine like a going-to-be-slaughtered pig*

I suddenly feel as if I know Cinderella more. Oh when oh when will my handsome prince come? Take me far away from this treacherous place.

Get real, Cinderella. You'll still be doing housework when you marry.

To all: Don't even suggest a party at my place. I DON"T WANT TO CLEAN UP! Or maybe I should just hire someone to do the cleaning. Oh, I'm behaving like a spoilt loser again.

I'm BACK!

2006-03-19T10:05:00.000+08:00

I've decided to play M.I.A. for the past week by getting a quiet get-away to China. Now, look, ain't that quiet, huh?

Unfortunately, for those who love kAwaiix jUnn h0Nng, he's gone! *rejoice*

Unfortunately, for those who adore the pink layout, it's gone too!

And for those who couldn't understand the previous entry, it was meant to be a joke, unfortunately?

Unfortunately, I love to joke.

This annoyance is stopping, unfortunately.

Oh, and unfortunately, I got into the same course as Yao Cheng.

****************************************************

Let's move on to ZHONG GUO: AH HONG HAO JIE SHAO!
Translated to English, 'CHINA: AH HONG RECOMMENDS!'

****************************************************

One interesting encounter was the praying at a particular temple at a paticular mountain.

*flashback*

I was led by a lady holding some offerings, she told me to follow her and as a gullible boy, I went. There were three temples, I recall. And you need to do the exact same ritual for all three.

Steps for some praying ritual:

1. Light up two pairs of big candles and stick it to some nails on some racks.

2. Go to the temple, pretend to pray to the idol (ask for blessings and stuff).

3. Some other stuffs.

I did this procedure for two times and when it came to the third, just as I was done with lighting the first pair of candles, that lady said I had to pay a total of don't-know-how-much-RMB.

I gasped. I told her I didn't want to light up the second pair. And she told me to go in to the third temple and pray all the same.

I did, and when I stepped out of the holy ground, the cunning lady collected from me- RMB 160, equivalent to around SG$ 32.

Wondered what I prayed for? I asked for lots of money- at all the three temples. Hah!

Lucky me, I found RMB 1.5 in a cave which I went afterthat.

Those candles must have worked, I thought.

For your visual information, those candles looked like:

Note: Kettle for supporting candles, mandarin oranges for height reference?

Guess what happened to my RMB 1.5?

I saw a wishing pond in a cave with a bowl in it. I threw them into the pond hoping to land in the bowl. And again, wishing for more money. I missed and for the rest of the trip, I couldn't even find RMB 0.1.

Moral of the story? Erm... Figure yourself.

Let us now look at some pictures I've taken.

This is a cat, it is fat.

This is an eel, like EEW...

This is a chicken, it clarks non-stop like Charles Dickens.

Alright, I know I'm being lame here.

I'm pretty much done.

Here's my L-A-M-E CHOP for you!

kAwaiix jUnn h0Nng'Ss n0.1 p0sT!

2006-03-08T20:09:00.000+08:00

Yeesh! Shh0ox hAppieeX w0rrx!! miieE sh0x l0nng dennch bl0gg. YeeSh, mieE issh n00w a tWit.

m0iix luRbbE beinng a tWiit w0rrX!! MiieE duUnch n00es whYiex sh0Ox mAnii ppL dunNch lykke ush nehx..

MiieX tiinK de waee ush tyipEx iisH beRii cUtte de mahx.. Dunch euu tiiNk sH0o? Shh0ox kAwaiix neHx...!

hmMx, mUaybes iits cuZz deY jEalloux orb uushx baHx.. cuS wE r sHox kAwaiiX.. Moii dunnch rEallie noees, bUtt MiieE duunch cArez w0rrx..

lett m0ii sHo0w euu miiEx cUtte cUtte pic...

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kAwaiiX mahhx? dEy sAee tatx iif wAnn takkE nicesh ph0Tox horrx, mussh de heAddx g0 l0w l0w de w0rrX..

bUtt de m0rre miiEz l00K att tishh, de m0rre ii tinnk ishh norrt berri nicesh.. muAybbes tiish iish deirr 'kAwaiiX'?

Haiiz.. miiEx duunch carre worrX, anywAee moiix iisH jUz a dumbb tWiit..

I feel a great disturbance in the Force...

2006-03-06T19:49:00.000+08:00

Hello all.

I apologise for not blogging for a period of time. I've been fending off a great evil which has been lurking within me since who-knows-when. This terrible menace strikes subconsciously, I never had the chance to take any precautions.

I'm currently suffering from an immense battle over the control of my mind. Everytime my other self gained control, my sane and calm self will always manage to fight back and I will regain control within minutes.

Unfortunately, as time passed by, my condition worsens. It has now become a constant struggle for me to perform my daily activities. Even as I'm typing this right now, the evil in me wouldn't give up. I just hope I have enough time to publish this entry. Yeah, it's that bad.

ARGH! The pain...

This is a losing battle. I've held on for as long as I can. This war is draining much of me. I'm tired, just too tired... It's time to give in to this nightmare and end this suffering, once and for all.

This is euthanasia.

Goodbye all.

How will you be defined in the dictionary?

2006-02-20T17:31:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered how your name will be defined in a psychotic dictionary?

I have.

And...

Colin Toh --

[adjective]:

Fuzzy to the touch

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Now let us make a sentence with 'Colin Toh'.

(In case you do not know what 'fuzzy' means, I did a check in dictionary.com and it says 'covered with fine light hairs'.)

So, a sentence with 'Colin Toh' would be.. Hmms... *thinks*

*light bulb lights up!*

Mr. Chew's head is no longer Colin Toh, I can already feel his scalp!

Hahaha! What a crude joke!

This is fun! Let's try it with 'Jun Hong'.

*types types*

*hits 'Enter'*

Jun Hong --

[noun]:

A level headed person who always makes the wrong decision

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I don't really like this.

The name of my blog is Ask Jun Hong, so according to this definition, Ask Jun Hong means 'ask someone who always makes the wrong decision'.

Lol, I think someone out there is trying to be funny with me.

Theory No. 2

2006-02-19T00:11:00.000+08:00

A man who blogs after a long period of time has alot of craps to write.

And no, Ern, your Theory No. 2 is so not right.

*NEWS FLASH!*

We interupt this entry to bring you a series of rather disturbing contents.

Have you seen this woman?

Name: Kuang

Gender: Female

Age: Quite old

Committed Offence: Breach of trust

Details:
Kuang promised to treat her beloved Food & Nutrition students to a meal if they have done well for their F&N 'O' Levels exam. Well they did, as a matter of fact, better than national average.

However, as the proposed date for the meal, 18th February 2006 came nearer, Kuang decided to play a funny prank called 'M.I.A.'

She ignored SMSes sent to her and never gave any sort of reply to any of the F&N students.

Said one of the victims, "I feel so cheated! She has been toying with our feelings all these while! Sob sob..."

Last Seen: In Unity Secondary School's F&N laboratory, punishing a group of naughty students.

If you see this woman, please kindly remind her that she still owes her F&N students a meal. You can tell her to stop playing M.I.A too.

Note to Kuang: With more and more people reading this blog with each passing day, there is simply no way you can escape. Justice will find you.

Have you seen this film?

Introducing, The Letter- Raw Cut, a short film based on a true life story about a boy struggling with his forbidden love.

Click HERE to view.

"A touching tragedy."- Jun Hong

"The acting is professional and the directing is close to excellent!."- Jun Hong

"Great songs that fit perfectly into the story."- Jun Hong

"Two thumbs up!"- Jun Hong

If this film wasn't based on a real life account in Singapore, I might just pass it off as a joke. But this or somewhat this actually took place.

Hard to imagine Jun Hong is actually moved by this film, huh? I can almost hear ikan biliz mocking me, shouting, "GAY BOY!"

Have you seen this thingy?

It has been reported that 21 out of 22 victims of eye infection used ReNu Multi-Purpose Solution by Bausch & Lomb. *gasp!*

The product is now being taken off the shelves and I advise the general public to avoid using this for the time being. (Though my my lens case is actually filled with this right now.)

I only got to know this when my store I/C informed us to remove it from display yesterday (18th Feb) during the closing of the shop.

Poor Sihua, she just spent $200 or so on them last week. You can't blame her, they were on promotion. :)

*END OF NEWS*

To my dear friends who had not done ideally for the 'O' Level Examinations, fret not, we're still young. Try not to brood over it and let them pass.

Oops, if you have already forgotten about them, and I have subconsciously brought them back, I apologise. To end things on a lighter note, look at this:

Cheers!

Theory No. 1

2006-02-16T21:48:00.000+08:00

A busy man is one who does not update his blog for a long time.

Woohoo!

2006-02-07T12:38:00.000+08:00

No, I did not get myself an iGallop and I'm certainly not sitting on one, pretending to be a cowboy.

It was close to a hundred,
He had to act fast,
Time was running out,
He couldn't let it pass.

It was a hundred and over,
He couldn't see him.
It was over he thought,
Or so maybe?

Just when he thought all was lost,
A flicker in the screen,
There he saw...

ASK JUN HONG in ONE THOUSAND BLOGGERS!

Woohoo! *swaying around vigorously, pretending my chair is an iGallop*

That action was most retarded.

I sent an e-mail to One Thousand Bloggers for a blog spot with the subject,

'give me a spot, pretty please? thx!!'

When I didn't get into the first hundred blog spots, I thought they must have freaked out over the 'pretty please?' part.

Now that I miraculously got in, I think they love it.

Really Short Entry.

2006-02-04T03:14:00.000+08:00

There was supposedly an interesting entry today regarding on how to lose your calories gained during the festive season through diet and exercise. But my model did not want to co-operate, oh well...

Oh, and I just e-mailed for a spot at http://www.onethousandbloggers.com/index.php . I hope I get a spot. Though I have not much of an idea what this is about, but heck, fame and glory, here I come!

Really short entry, yeah?

doOmSday...

2006-01-27T21:40:00.000+08:00

Hey all, I'm not trying to act adorable and cute with my title's irregular Caps, If you look deeper into it, there's a meaning.

Ok, I know I'm not giving out much hints here, so I'm going to explain it to you guys. (I think in almost all my entries, I had to explain something. It's either I assume that majority of my readers are not that bright or it's my mind that's too complex and whacky for them.)

*ball flies through the window and hit me on the head!*

Alright, it's my mind then.

So 'doOmSday', notice only the 'O' and the 'S'. Incoherently place them together, and you get 'OS'. How do you say it in verbal speech? Pronounce 'oh-s'.

"Oh! Oh-s!" You're probably gonna shriek in joy for understanding this.

Now, so 'oh-s' simply refers to the GCE 'O' Level Examination. And I hereby highly recommend all those who are currently waiting for their GCE 'O' Level Examination results to pay particular attention to this entry.

Where do you think you're going?

Just because you have not taken the exam doesn't mean you don't have to read. Your turn will come!

And for those who have already recieved your results, be it 50 years ago, read on for entertainment's sake.

To all my dear friends who are currently waiting for their results, I know most of us have heard many rumors as to when the results will be released. I know of alot. They range from the first date to the last date of February 2006.

I'm not here to clarify if any of the rumors are true. I'm here only to share some useful tips with you guys.

*Start Scenario*

You recieved your results. To your horror, you got terrible grades. What's next? Think of where or which courses you should go? Think of re-taking your 'O' Levels? Think of committing suicide?

NO!

The next thing you should do is to avoid embarassment!

Ok, your most-hated-schoolmate come up to you, gloating with joy, he/she obviously got good results. Damned!

"Hey, why you look so grim? You get poor results uh?" he/she asked.

Always remember, pride and dignity comes first! Say something like,

"No lar, I'm considering whether to go Raffles JC or Hwa Chong Instituition. So hard to decide leh."

Hahaha, that would probably wipe the smirk off his/her face.

Next you should try your best to avoid are nosey relatives. Close relatives are ok, but those who you have not spoken to for like 10 years, get as far away as possible from them. They are up to no good, trust me.

They are your typical gossipy aunties, only that you're related to them and they have the ability to let even your furthest long-distant relatives know. Let's say that one of these nosey relatives is your aunt. (I'm not stereotyping females here, but come on, we all know that gossiping and females have a common link.)

So, you're unfortunate enough to pick up the phone when your aunt called you. This is what you should say.

Aunt: Halo? You are boyboy/girlgirl uh?

You: Err... I think so, you are?

Aunt: Oh, Im your 'who-and-who' lar, don't tell me you forget me already leh.

You: Oh, no lar *pretend to recall*, I remember.

Aunt: So your 'O' level how?

You: Oh, not bad lor, average results.

Aunt: So how much your L1R4 and L1R5?

You: Huh? Cannot hear properly.

Just when she's going to repeat, make some muffling noises to blur out what she said. (Try blowing into the phone.)

You: Huh? Cannot hear leh, can repeat again?

Make the muffling noise again.

You: Eh sorry leh, I think reception not good, I'm quite busy also, talk next time, bye!

Hang up the phone. You're saved... for now.

*End Scenario*

Ok, worst enemy and kaypoh relatives down. Who's next?

Because I'm unable to predict who you might meet, here are some things you can say to save yourself from embarassing moments:

"MOE postpone the release of the results, so I don't know myself."

"Oh, I score WAY better than your daughter/son."

"I never got to see my results, I think my teacher hid it from me."

"My mother told me not to tell anyone."

Worst come to worst, feign ignorance.

"Huh? What 'O' Levels? Results? Are you sure you're asking the right person?"

I hope this entry helps.

:)

The Jun Hong you never knew...

2006-01-23T17:55:00.000+08:00

That heading caught your attention, didn't it?

No?

NO?!

Fine, stop reading then!

Just kidding, what would I do without my readers?

I am sure everyone has a question to ask me about my... you know... ask about... Me! Be it logical or silly, it still stirs up the curiousity in you.

Questions like "How frequently do you cut your nails?", "Do you prefer one strand of your hair to the other?" and "On average, how long does it take you to type a blog entry?"

I've imagined myself to be the readers of Ask Jun Hong. After putting myself in their shoes, I came up with a question to ask the owner of Ask Jun Hong.

The most-wanted-to-be-answered-question would be "What is your home page?"

I apologise if this question sounds moronic to you, but it's the best I could think of.

So, not being too sure of it myself, I opened my internet browser.

http://www.thehungersite.com appeared on my browser.

The Hunger Site allows internet users to do their little part for the environment and the less fortunate, be it humans or animals. Scientifically, human beings are classified as animals too. But well, I don't think any person would like to be labelled as an animal, so like... whatever, I'm digressing.

And so with every click, you fund/save a certain amount of something (it depends on what you click.) Oh, and the best thing about it is, it's FREE! *open eyes wide*

So how do I get started? Click on the link above and look for something like this:

Click it!

Wait, you're not done yet. There are other sites too.

Now, don't you feel all better already? So, what are you waiting for? Make http://www.thehungersite.com your home page now! With just six clicks, you're able to make someone's day.

You're probably thinking "What has this entry got anything to do with the title?" Well, for starters, you know that Jun Hong is actually a big-hearted person. Lol!

Oh, and if you still need more convincing to make The Hunger Site your home page, listen up.

It's FREE!

Free as in you don't have to pay, so get that through your thick skull!

And it's particularly useful when you get sentenced to hell when you die by some supreme being because your sins outweigh your good deeds by an incident which involves you stealing a cookie when you were 5. You can defend yourself by saying "I click on The Hunger Site everytime I go online, you know."

She tells you size doesn't matter, she's lying...

2006-01-22T14:02:00.000+08:00

Oh no, no, no. I'm not going to blog about penis sizes here. The above is a promotional slogan for some burger at Carl's Jr.

The outlet I went to with Hengster yesterday was located at Suntec City. For those who do not know what Carl's Jr. is (I didn't know until yesterday), I'm going to so briefly exlain it to you, that you'd get the idea in less than ten words. Carl's Jr. is...

A fast food restaurant which does lots of burgers.

To find out what's so interesting about a fast food restaurant which does lots of burgers, read on.

After ordering at the counter, Hengster was given a number sign thing which then he brought back to the seat. There was a message at the bottom of the the sign thing which read "PLEASE PLACE AT EDGE OF TABLE". I did what I read and...

I noticed that it was trying to be funny with me. I couldn't place it at the edge of the table because it kept falling over. It must have meant "Please place near the edge of the table." Ahh... now it all makes sense.

It took all of our appetite to finish the humongous burgers. It didn't taste bad, nontheless.

After our hefty meal, I was appalled to see the mess we made.

What did we do to create this?! Never in my life have I created such a mess in fast food restaurants!

It then all came to light as I saw Carl's Jr.'s slogan.

Messy indeed! (For those who can't make out that blurry fonts, it said "It's gonna get messy.")

Crazy Stacy!

2006-01-20T16:03:00.000+08:00

Hello everybody! Today I'm going to tell you a story on Crazy Stacy.

It was around 7.45 pm. I was arranging some boxes of Ricola candies on the shelf just outside Guardian Health and Beauty. I was happily arranging the boxes until my colleague, Linda rushed out.

"Colin! Colin! Did you see the lady in yellow? She just walked out of the shop with our products!"

"Err, nope I was too engrossed with the Ricola boxes, why?" I replied.

"That customer left with our products and she left her NETS card here. And her NETS card has been declined." Linda explained.

At that moment, I thought the worst. The card the 'customer' produced must not have been hers, meaning, we had been had and she got away with out things. This is preposterous! The nerve of her to shoplift right under my nose!

But then what was done was done, right?

Linda scurried to SC, our pharmacist cum in-charge and told her the situation. They viewed the CCTV again to confirm it.

The CCTV showed the lady putting her 'purchases' into a yellow Shop N Save bag and walked out of the store.

While they were watching that, I continued doing my own stuff; shelving of items, updating of price tickets and cashiering. I did not give much thought about it. Well, no doubt it was a shop-lifting case, but I did not see the woman in yellow, neither was I the cashier and most importantly, I'm just a part-timer.

Then came 9.45pm. I was about to close the last shutter; there were three, when I caught a glimpse of a yellow fabric hurrying towards out me. She went into the shop and saw Linda.

Linda was overjoyed and exclaimed "Ahh.. It's you!" It was as though she had seen her long lost friend.

The woman asked for her NETS card and we told her that her card has been declined. She took out a VISA card and said "Try this."

As Linda slashed the card downwards against the slot of the reader, the woman went around the store getting more stuff and placed it on the counter.

The card was rejected.

The lady in yellow took out another VISA card and handled it to Linda. And as expected, it was declined again.

She then murmured to herself and went out of the store.

At this moment SC chased after the lady. She followed the lady and asked Linda to come along. I was left alone, in the shop. I pondered over what I was going to do. Well, there didn't seem much I could do, so I just sat infront of the shop on the floor. Now, imagine watch-dog.

After sitting there alone for what seemed like hours, I saw the familiar yellow fabric again. I thought she had settled whatever she was going to and decided to come into the shop and pay up. She did not.

She just walked passed me and I looked at my colleagues tagging along. They gave me the I-also-don't-know-what-she's-up-to look. Then Linda said that since I'm a guy I should tag along and she would mind the store. So Linda passed me the baton and I ran to catch up wif the strange woman. So now, it's me and SC tagging behind. We followed the weirdo into Shop N Save and she got herself Redbull and paid for it with some coins.

She walked out of Shop N Save with us still behind her, then SC asked her where she was going. She said she was going to the bank. Take note, there was no bank in the vincity as far as I know and the banks would be closed now, wouldn't they. She went to a nearby foodcourt, sat down at a table and drank her Redbull.

Being fairly annoyed, I pulled out a chair and sat. I looked at her face, showing my displease. She could not stand my staring so she got up and began fleeting. She was walking really FAST, I tell you. Well, not that I couldn't catch up, but I'm just saying that it was no stroll in the park. I believed she was mentally unstable.

She led us to a second-hand cellphone shop and she said she must have left the Shop N Save bag with some store, probably at the cellphone shop. Now, what kind of person leaves her shopping bag lying around in other people's shops?

She asked the man behind the counter if she had left a yellow bag with them. He said in Mandarin "No, but you left a bag of clothes you bought from the boutique beside ours." That's a 6 on the weird-o-metre.

We went past Guardian again and I told SC to inform the police. And now, it was all up to me to tail her. I started to think what she might do to me. Would she turn around and hit me or would she just run? I was pretty sure that if we were to fight, I could knock her out in one blow, seriously. Hey, I'm a wushu practicioner and I'm a guy afterall, right? And if she were to run, I'm sure I can outrun this plump woman wearing a pair of slip-ons.

I then started to have this funny thought in my mind. Maybe she thought that Redbull really gives her wings and she could fly away to get rid of us. I was laughing in my mind. I thought she had been leading us on a wild goose chase and I decided to confront her.

"Where do you think you're going?" I asked her.

"I'm going in front." She mumbled.

"Yea, in front but where?" I provoked her now unsteady mind.

"Then you don't follow me lar!" She said a little louder.

"Can you not be stupid?! You took our stuff without paying and you want to get away with it?!" I ranged my voice abit higher than hers.

I know that wasn't exactly part of good customer service, but heck, she wasn't even a customer!
She kept mum and continued to hurry. As she walked past another shop, I realised that she owed the shop-owner money too. The shop owner asked her to hurry and pay up as they were in a hurry to return home. There was an increase in the reading on the weird-o-metre.

They talked for a while (I did not hear their conversation) and that weirdo continued her fast-paced walk. SC caught up wif me and whispered in my ear that they had already informed the police. I nodded.

I asked the lady what the problem was. She started saying how the bank's system was slow and so her card was rejected, blah, blah, blah. Like I actually believed what she said. I then asked her what she was intending to do with her unsettled purchases.

"I don't remember taking any thing from your shop." Her reply had me toatally stunned. She changed her statement completely.

"Your actions were all caught on our shop's CCTV, if you insist on not taking anything from our store, then come with us and view it." I said, proving to her that I'm not an idiot who takes in whatever nonsense she spouts.

"Fine." she said and we went back to Guardian with that weirdo in yellow still in the lead.

Back at the shop she kept insisting she did not take any of our things. When she wanted to leave, I closed down the last shutter, blocked the exit and asked her "Where do you think you're going? You haven't paid yet."

More denials from her. That's it, I had enough.

"CAN YOU JUST KEEP QUIET AND COME INTO THE ROOM TO WATCH THE CCTV?!" I shouted at her.

Linda was a little shocked herself too.

She threw a tantrum and sat down on the floor.

"I'm not interested in watching the CCTV. Don't let me go isit? Fine, I'll sit down here. Better, still got air-con!"

I was really disgusted by her behaviour. Just as I was reaching out for a huge bottle of mineral water to conk her head with, I heard someone opening the shutters. It was the police! Thank goodness!

We explained everything to the police, we showed them the invoices printed out and replayed the CCTV as evidence. The police screened her passport for identification and searched her handbag. It was later confirmed that the lady was mentally ill. It didn't take me that long to figure out, sheesh.

I overheard that her name was Stacy. Then the restless Stacy walked around the shop and she went to the cosmetic section and began taking some products and handed them out to Linda. I took over Linda. I took every item she handed me and placed them back right in front of her. She seemed pretty pissed. Stacy turned and look at me and I just grinned. This is for trying to be funny with me.

Crazy Stacy wandered around the store and kept complaining about how the police and Guardian were 'lousy', 'slow', 'inefficient', etc. She also showed her agitation by throwing our items onto the floor. One of the policemen shouted "MS!"

Crazy Stacy continued and the policeman went to her and severely warned her and told her off. Then another policeman continued to humour her, talking some nonsense like "Stacy, you can't go out now, all the roads are closed for the lion dance, and this lion is hard to control." I laughed, seeing how crazy Stacy really believed the policeman.

Then crazy Stacy wanted to go to the washroom.

"I want to go to the toilet!"

The policeman replied her saying that he was more urgent than her but even the toilets were closed. Me and another policeman laughed at that.

Crazy Stacy then went on a rampage again because she was not allowed to the restroom. She knocked some toothbrushes off the racks and kicked over a pail of water which was used to clean the shelves. The water was really filthy. THAT BITCH!

I jumped when I heard crazy Stacy shrieked "I want to go to the toillleeeeetttt!"

She shrieked the second time and I jumped again. If there's really one thing I detest, it's shrieking; at the highest possible pitch. SC, Linda and I, then had to clear up her mess. I was cursing her under my breath when I was cleaning the spill.

She was handcuffed and was forced to sit down with a policman holding her down on her back. I think it's to prevent her legs from kicking.

Halfway clearing the mess, I asked Linda,

"What would you do if she were to pee here?"

"I ask her to wipe it up herself!" It cracked me up.

After removing much of the water (not the pee), I suggested to gag crazy Stacy with our dirty and soggy rags. Lol! If you don't find this amusing, picture it.

Things are pretty much dull form here onwards. Crazy Stacy's family members came, talked to the police and the police brought her out. YAY! GET LOST, CRAZY STACY!

The three of us did the closing of the store and left at ard 1am, all thanks to crazy Stacy.

But come to think of it, as I'm typing this entry, I'm getting more and more convinced that crazy Stacy is actually a messenger sent by the suprerior beings above. Her purpose? To create a story so I can blog about it.

Stacy's mom! She's got it goin on,
She's all that dumb,
And I've stood her for so long,
Stacy I know you can't see,
But you're just not the type for me,
I know I'm always wrong,
but I'm definitely not in love with Stacy, nor her mom.

My OH My...

2006-01-15T15:01:00.000+08:00

Greetings, fans of Ask Jun Hong! It's time again to read my entertaining entry of the day!

Firstly, I have received many comments which doubted the credibility of my previous post. They were pretty sure that I worte myself e-mails just to create controversy. I would like to clarify here that I, Jun Hong, did not write any e-mails and sent them to myself. Now think about it, why in my almost-sane mind would I do that?

Yet, in my not-so-sane part of the mind, those 'e-mails' were created by me. Surprised huh? Are you shocked? I'm sure right now, many of you are thinking "I knew it was you all along, you don't fool me."

Okok, you readers are smart. But then again, why did I deny writing those e-mails and sending it to myself? Because I didn't. For those who are a bit slow, I will expalain it to you.

I wrote those 'e-mails' in my draft entry for the blog, and hence, I certainly did not send anything to myself. For those who still don't get it, don't worry, I'm sure you would figure it out eventually.

Now that the issue has been settled, Let's move on to the main topic of the day, shall we? Ironically, after creating two fake 'e-mails' yesterday, I recieved two real ones today. When I opened my e-mail inbox. I was glad to see real people actually sending me e-mails. "Whoopee!" I thought.
NOTE: These e-mails are GENUINE. Spell G-E-N-U-I-N-E.

My grin turned to a state of uncertainty, just like how =) turned to a = l , when I read the first e-mail.

The first e-mail is written by Yuan. It states:

Rejection is hard to take, but essential for progression. Agree or disagree? And why?

*thinks "what kind of problem is that?!*

Jun Hong's reply:

Perhaps I should start by defining the question for those again, a bit slow ones. The statement simply implies that for one to move on, rejection is necessary.

I do not agree to the statement. Just like how a 6 can be equated from 3+3, it can also be equated from 1+5. If I'm not making any sense to you, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're dense. Ok, explanation time again!

6 = progression, 3 = rejection, 1 and 5 = some other factors. So, as proven by my new formula, rejection is NOT essential for progression. However, rejection can be the main cause of progression, (Note 3+3=6) and also one of the reasons for progression. (Note 3+1+2=6) I'm just trying to show that the 3 is not really necessary in the equation to get a 6.

So what are these other factors I'm talking about? Well, 1 can be motivation and 5 can be... an innate thing?

There you have it! And Yuan, this is definitely more than a 100 words. I hope you're satisfied.

Now moving on to the second e-mail. Oh, and before we proceed I would like to warn anyone who has a weak heart to stop here. I mean it.

*waits...*

Ok, now that the weak-hearted are gone, get ready of a hair-raising experience! (Literally!)When I read this email, my = l turned to a =S . Yea, it's that bad.

To the dear dear cute cute junhong aka hong hong aka xiao hong hong:

Hie! Mi ish a 14 year old gal, been linked to you blog from some other gal blog got the name got what shit one wor, think you blog content very de cute, then oh mi god, to mi horror, I read you more and more and I every now and then think of you wor. eat, sleep, bath, read, study. SOB SOB. I keep trying to picture you and wonder how euu look like wor, euu noe ocean ou de yang the cartoon boi boi? I think you like him wor, so kawaii nehx!!! o(^_^)o Dear ke ai de junhong, I think I like you nehx. I eat also never concentrate wor, and keep thinking of you (like the ocean de cartoon boi) wor, yesterday got homework need to write about an unforgetable person and I write euu wor, I describe you like ocean de cartoon...I am a very sickening gal actually (hehe,me fwens say one wor) and now I dunno what happen , I keep thinking of you and what you write, then keep laugh to meself alone. What should I do my beloved hong hong? SOB SOB wor...me stress,will you reject me or aviod me? SAD SAD WOR. Do euu hab msn or fwenster? Me really wish to see you sexy pic wor. heehee. nottie de me. hee, waiting for euu to post in u web and reply me a love letter reply wor. Kiss you lots lots wor.

From Ai si jun hong de gal gal. heehee!

*GULPS*

Jun Hong's reply:

I think you have been linked here from hiddenshit. That's ikan biliz's blog. I thank you for liking the content on my blog. The disappointing thing is that lots of people too, have read my blog and laughed to themselves, i think? So sad to say, your 'love' is merely an infatuation. And what i mean by infatuation is a foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction. This is to say it's temporary. I am however concerned about your assignment. Please take your homework seriously and study hard. One thing I beg to differ is, I do not look like Ocean Ou's cartoon!

Ocean Ou's cartoon:

I have a nose, you know?

A would-be Jun Hong's cartoon:

Ok, I know I'm being lame here, but my point is, I HAVE A NOSE!

Anyway, that was what I replied that girl. I could've told her that I was gay and she would still go for a sex change. That is why I have blocked her IP address so she can no longer access this blog. One crazy fan down, anymore to go? And ikan biliz, why do you have mad people reading your blog?!

I will also strike-out what I said in the previous post. The one about keeping those distress e-mail messages coming in. Geez, what was I thinking?

E-mails of the day!

2006-01-14T21:52:00.000+08:00

Finally! I've got two people writing me e-mails telling me about their problems. It's now time to see how Ask Jun Hong tackles them.

E-mail 1:

Dear Jun Hong,

Im a 16yr old gal and currently in sec 4. Since sch started, i hab met alot of sec 1 students during orientation camp. I m beri attracted to one of em. Lets call him cuteboi. I first met cuteboi near the toilet. I was the toilet i/c and mi job was to show the new sec1s where the toilets are located. Cuteboi wanted to poop worx. He asked mi if I had any toilet paper with me beacuse there wasn't any in the boi's toilet. I held out a roll of unused toilet paper, gave it to him and smiled sweetly. He thanked mi and continued his buisness. After that, images of him kept appearin in mi head. I think about him all the time, ecsp when im shittin. Sighx.. wad do u tink I shud do?

-Madly in love with cuteboi de cutegal

Jun Hong's reply:

Dear cutegal, I must say that your problem is indeed unique. This looks like a typical girl-loves-guy-and-cannot-forget-him situation. However, I'm sorry to tell you that there is more to it then it meets the eye. Firstly you do notice you have pedophilic thoughts right? Cuteboi, or whatever his name his, is only 12. He is still considered a child in the eyes of the law. And I'm not sure if he has started growing hair in the pits yet.

I am going to point out something more intriguing. You think of cuteboi ecspecially when you're defecating?! You do have a very distorted mind. Flush your dirty and disgusting thoughts away. I recommend sticking your head into the toilet bowl and keep flushing it until you have no more thoughts of cuteboi. I wish you success in forgetting him.

E-mail 2:

Eh siao ehx.. u noe how to go to lot1 anot? i live teckwhye n i wan go to lot1 the kbox to sing hokkien song wif my kakis.. i m Ah Long Long i tell u firz.

Jun Hong's reply:

Hello there, Ah Long Long. You can take bus service 190, 985 and 975 from Teck Whye to Lot 1. Bus service 190 and 985 will drop you at the bus interchange which is only a stone's throw away to Lot 1. Ask the people around if you're not sure. Alight at the bus stop opposite a shopping centre if you're taking bus service 975. That shoppin centre is Lot 1. Again, ask if you're not sure. Hope this has been useful to you.

PS: I love hokkien songs too! Invite me the next time you're going with your friends ok, Ah Long Long?

~~Keep those distress messages coming in! Ask Jun Hong will be more than delighted to help you with them. Flood my e-mail inbox!~~

A war in the mind...

2006-01-13T20:21:00.000+08:00

Hello everybody!
I've been pondering over what i wrote in my MSN messenger personal message space. I typed 'http://askjunhong.blogspot.com/- nobody's reading it, that doesn't mean you shouldn't.'

Ok now, where's my originality? I mean, if any blogder of Xiaxue's sees this, he/she is so gonna flame me for it. Because my 'nobody's reading it' is quite the contrary to Xiaxue's 'Everyone's reading it'.

Just as I was going to think of something else to replace 'nobody's reading it', because I wouldn't want to be labelled 'uncreative' now, would I, a voice in me suddenly said.

"Someone's gonna do it, why not you?"

That sounds familiar, doesn't it? Oh I remember now, It's from a TV ad! Guinness's ad! My conscience was challenging itself.

As I was pondering further and deeper, another inner voice of mine spoke.

"Just do it!"

I know that! It's Nike! It then occured to me that I'm suffering from a major lack of creative juices. Even my thoughts were speaking in advertising slogans! Oh, of everything, why this? Of everyone, why me?

"Because you're worth it."

Argh! L'Oreal!!!

"Maybe she's(I'm) born with it, maybe it's Maybelline"

IT'S DEFINITELY MAYBELLINE, NO DOUBT!

I think I'm going nuts! I seriously need a break from all that TV.

OH! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
NOT THE 'BREAK' WORD!

"Have a break, Have a Kit Kat!"

*faints*
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When I came to my senses, I could almost imagine my mind grinning, saying,

"I'm lovin' it!"

The Marketing Strategy

2006-01-12T18:33:00.000+08:00

Ahh yes, I've been spending almost all my afternoon trying to figure out the most effective ways of making my blog known. Like the wise old saying goes "what is a pool without its water?". Similarly, what is a blog without its readers?

And so, being a very entrepreneur-minded person, I've come up with a marketing strategy... After surveying many blogs, I noticed that many of them have links to other blogs; mostly to their friends'. It then hit me. I'm going to encourage my friends to put a link to my blog in theirs. Very smart of me, isn't it?

So to whichever of my friend who's reading this now and has a blog, feel free to link my blog to yours! I will be conducting random spot-checks on your blogs, so if you do not comply, I've got nothing to say to you. (As in really, what can I say?)

However, I'm pretty sure most will make that same request to me- asking me to link their blogs to mine. And as for the moment, I really have no intentions of doing that. But then again, I have to give a more polite answer; it would be rude if I just snapped them off, wouldn't it?

Fortunately, I'm one step ahead. I have already came up with a solution. Whenever someone asks me to put up links of their blogs here, I would simply reply,

"I'm not like you, you don't need the publicity like I do."

Ahh, the perfect win-win solution. They will then be deluded, thinking that they are indeed very popular. It's times like this when I really feel I have high IQ and EQ.

Hey wait.

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Oh my gawd!

If I told you all that, you guys would probably know what I'm actually thinking. My friends would know that I'm just plain selfish and lazy and they would know what I said about them having high popularity is just an excuse to get away with it. Oh well, so much for having high IQ.

Maybe I'm not those entrepreneur type afterall. That's another I-think-I-can-be-a striked off the list. Guess I'm back to advertising my blog in my MSN messenger's personal message space.

Note: I made up that lame old 'pool' saying and I'm still waiting for those distraughted messages that I can reply to.

Jun Hong's first post!

2006-01-12T00:06:00.000+08:00

Hey all! To start this blog rolling, I present you... *drums roll please*
What? You don't hear the druming? Ahaha ok, I was trying to be lame...

Anyway I present you the FIRST POST!
The First Post- An essential for every blogger. Use only once, a repeated usage will not be deemed as the First Post.

Ok, so I gotta start pulling people in to read my blog. I need publicity! Perhaps I should start some sort of scandal, they always get the ratings... :)
I think I should just start with some introduction. (Formalities are important.)

Welcome to Ask Jun Hong! It serves not only as my blog but also as an advice column; where you troubled and problematic people come to me for advices. It's just like your Dear Kelly... except that I'm not Kelly.
Ask Jun Hong will not be held liable for any comments, replies, or advice given.

So what can you expect from my blog? Well, first off, I declare that I will be blogging more on my thoughts than my life. Why? Simple, my thoughts are much more exciting than my life. And trust me, my mind is an interesting place to be in. For those who insist on me blogging about my life, here's a short paragraph dedicated to you:

I opened my eyes and turned my whole body to the right to try catch a glimpse of the clock. It's around 8.20am. It was still early so I decided to return to sleep. I closed my eyes and turned my whole body left. I waited. I wasn't asleep yet. I turned and tossed to the right again, trying out comfortable sleeping poses. Still no luck. I felt an itch up my right side of the neck so I turned to the left again and scratched the itch. Feels better... I then thought it was more convinient for me to check out the time if my body was facing right, so when I opened my eyes, I could see the time immediately. And so, with that decision I turned my whole body facing right.

If you're getting annoyed by the tossing and turning of me in bed, try writing it! And so, I have proven to you that my life is actually boring. Unless if there's something actually worth mentioning, you will not hear much about my lifeless life here.

Having said more or less what I wanted to say, I will end this with a small jingle.

Tell me all your problems,
I wanna hear your rants,
When your life is upside down,
You know Colin''s your friend.

You can write me an email,
Or you can leave a tag,
Colin has all the answers,
Replies to this and that.

:)